


When all I see is darkness (you light me up)

by flavinja



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Pre-Series, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 15:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1653821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flavinja/pseuds/flavinja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sara learns to adapt to this new life. She learns how to defend herself, how to fight and how to kill.<br/>But, surprisingly enough, that’s not all she learns. She finds out that even in the darkest times, there is still place for love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When all I see is darkness (you light me up)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is the first time I attempt to write in English and is not betaed, so please let me know of any mistake!

Sara is sucked out of the boat. For a second, it feels like a déjà vu, but then she’s drowning and the only thing she feels is pain.

She is dying again. In the same way she was supposed to die over a year earlier. She doesn’t have time to think underwater, so she just accepts her fate. Once more, the boat is sinking and she is lost in the ocean. She wonders what was the point of surviving the first time, what was the point of those two years of hell if she was back at the starting point again. This angers her. She uses all her strength to swim back to surface and that is all she remembers.

 

She regains consciousness days later.

Sara is not sure of where exactly she is, but she is taken care of. They give her food, clothes, a place to sleep and shower, and she could not be more thankful. They don’t speak to her, not in the beginning, which is good, because she doesn’t think she would be able to answer.

The woman keeps looking after her. It’s not always her who comes see Sara, but it is more often than not. She sits next to her, stares at her. But never says a word.

She loses track of time, sometimes it seems like she’s been there for years. Others, especially when the nightmares appear, it seems like she’s still on that ship.

She doesn’t even know to which ship she is referring to.

 

Nyssa.

That’s her name, as Sara finds out later.

Sara has recovered physically, although she is not sure the same can be said about her mind.

Nyssa welcomes her to the League Of Assassins and presents herself as the heir to the demon. Sara says her name for the first time since she has arrived, but it does not sounds right.

Sometimes, she likes to think Sara Lance died in a shipwreck.

 

She is not dead, though. At least, not yet, if all the pain she feels from the training is to say something.

Nyssa teaches her Arabic and she finds a new name.

She learns to adapt to this new life. She learns how to defend herself, how to fight and how to kill.

But, surprisingly enough, that’s not all she learns. She finds out that even in darkest times, there is still place for love.

She has seen the woman defeat and kill opponents without blinking, but she’s able to find kindness in Nyssa. Between soft smiles and glances that take a little too long, Sara falls in love with Nyssa.

She takes some time to realize this, way more than it took Nyssa. It takes her by surprise, not because Nyssa is a woman – hell, Sara has been attracted to girls since high school, so this is no surprise – but because she didn’t think could love in this new life.

One night they are just spending time with each other and Nyssa kisses her. They don’t have assignments at the moment, and nothing happened to change their relationship, but it does. And for the first time, Sara is so glad she is alive.

 

Sara and Nyssa love each other. And Sara is sure she has never loved anybody like this.

Even when the years go by, her feelings don’t go away. As much dark her soul has become, it doesn’t matter when she is with Nyssa. Maybe it’s because her soul is just as dark and they are each other’s small piece of lightness.

There are days when Sara is feels more like Sara Lance than Ta-er al-Asfer. Those days are the hardest to get through.

Nyssa helps, but there is only so much help that can compensate so much killing.

 

She tries not to think much about her family. She knows that if she does, she will want to go back. She repeats to herself that is best this way and almost convinces herself.

Sara keeps track of them, of course. Maybe it was better if she didn’t, but how could she not?

So she knows when Oliver goes back to Starling City. She hadn’t seen him since the island and wonders how he survived Slade. Wonders what did he do in the last years. Most of all, she wonders what would be like if she came back.

She tries to distance herself as much as possible, but the thought keeps coming back to her. If Oliver can go back, after everything that happened on the island, couldn’t she? She knows the answer. Knows she can never leave the league.  That doesn’t stop her mind from going there.

 

The Undertaking is the final straw.

She hears about the earthquake in Starling City and her hearts stops for a second. She is a trained assassin and she has lost count of how many times her life was in danger, but that was the moment she was most scared.

That night, she sees Nyssa on her side of the bed, sleeping peacefully and makes her decision.

She needs to see if her family is safe. And she’s not coming back.

She doesn’t even say goodbye to Nyssa. Not because she doesn’t care, but because she does too much.

 

The first months in Starling City are not easy.

She is not Ta-er al-Asfer anymore, not exactly, but neither is she Sara Lance. She is just The Girl in Mask.

She finds Sin, like she promised she would and this makes her feel a little better. She gets to see her family again, even if they don’t see her. It’s better this way.

For a while, she considers going back to the League, there was a chance they would take her back instead of killing her. Her family is fine, giving the circumstances. There’s no real reason to stay, but she does anyway.

 

The more she stays in Starling City, the more she feels like Sara again. Maybe not the same innocent Sara Lance she once was, she knew she would never be this way again, but Sara nonetheless.

When the League comes looking for her, she is reminded of what her life is like now.

She kills a man right in front of her father.  She is a murderer and she can’t stay there anymore.

Neither can she go back to the League. Not anymore. She thinks about all the lives she took, innocent people. Kill without asking. She can’t do this.

There is not much left of her and she can’t risk losing the rest.

So she runs, until her family is in danger again and Oliver calls her.

 

She sees Nyssa waking towards her, holding the dagger.

Nyssa is an assassin, but she doesn’t kill Sara. She kisses her.

Sara is taken by surprise, not only because she expected to die but by her feelings. They have been away for so long Sara expected them to be over. To not feel so at home. She is scared, of course, but a part of her is happy to see Nyssa again.

“I loved you”, she says.

“But not anymore”, Nyssa completes.

Sara doesn’t answer. She knows Nyssa is hurt, but it’s better this way.

It’s a lie, of course it’s a lie. But she can’t go back to the League, what means she can’t go back to Nyssa.

 

She visits her grave at Starling City, knowing what she has to do.

“It’s your funeral, Sara”, Diggle said to her once.

“It wouldn’t be the first.”

This time, she is dying in Nyssa arms. She can hear the despair in Nyssa’s voice, but she feels peaceful. It feels right this time.

But then Nyssa is not holding her anymore and, even though she’s not fully aware of what’s happening, she knows they are fighting.

She sees when Oliver is about to kill Nyssa and she knows she has to stop this.

“No more killing”, she says. And then she’s saved again.

Nyssa is gone and she is free. Once more, they don’t say goodbye to each other.

 

She kisses Oliver, because they are both broken and lonely and just need this.  

And for the next weeks, she tries to fit in. She tries to make amends with her family. She works at Verdant and dates Oliver. Tries to be a part of his vigilante team.

It works at first. She is not the same, but neither is Oliver. Somehow, they work together. Maybe because he’s also in love with someone else.

Then Slade Wilson is back, Roy has the Mirakuru and Oliver says he wants her to move in with him.

She almost kills Roy and that’s when she realizes she’s too far gone.

“You deserve someone better. You can harness that light that's still inside of you, but I'm not that person and I never will be”, she tells Oliver.

She believes in what she says. Oliver has Felicity and Sara knows she’s just the light he needs in his life. But Sara? There’s just darkness inside of her.  

Even before she says it, she knows she is going back to the League. They can help them defeat Slade, help her save her friends and family, in exchange she’ll come back.

The killing was too much, but it was all she had.

Nyssa isn’t her light, not exactly. There’s too much darkness in both of them, but somehow she lights her up.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, let me know what you thought of the fic! I wrote it because I'm really in love with Sara/Nyssa (and just with Sara tbh) and felt like writing something after the finale. I've never really wrote a fanfic, although I've written original stories in portuguese.  
> This was kind of really fast paced, but idk, I was really scared I would get ooc, so i hope i managed to keep them in character.


End file.
